Today was a new day

[sitonmyinterface]

I'm doing much better in the head-meats since my last entry. That was an odd day and I thought I was losing myself. That's a party I don't wish to attend. I was afraid, 12 years later, I was going to have a shocker as if every emotion came back to me that I was unable to tap into or express when JJ died. In general, I have been having death anxiety lately; the fact of my own mortality. I worry that if I die before my loved ones, I will cause horrible, unnecessary pain. I find myself wanting to be the one left behind so that I can bear it all, rather than others. No likey :(

I've been slipping in the stress-eating department. After the car BS with it dying and needing to find another, my drug was the solace I find in stuffing my face with pizza and brownies. I was doing so well but I tell myself tomorrow is another day to avoid beating myself up for it.

I'm blowing through my reading challenge on Goodreads. I am 92/100 for the year and WILL reach if not exceed this goal. I am so happy that I was able to stick to it. The amount I was reading prior to this year was sad as fuck for a book lover.

I am currently reading Member of the Family: My Story of Charles Manson, Life Inside His Cult, and the Darkness That Ended the Sixties. This little bugger in the family slipped through the cracks and now we get to read her story. She was only 14 at the time and helped put him away in the end.

I am also finishing up The Book of Shadows. I met this author in '02 while working at the bookstore; he was casually shopping and he signed it for me at the register. It took me THIS long to finally read it; 15 years! I am a few chapters from the end. I really love the author's writing style, as well as the subject matter. I was pleased to see that he made it into a series.

Comments

[pandie]

I'll have to dig through those books on your recommendation. Your reading challenge is epic. Mine is a pitiful 30 (though I'm past it, happily!).

As for JJ and loss and... well... I can appreciate death anxiety. And while everyone loves you, I don't think it will be horrible, unnecessary pain that never ends. Yes, everyone is sad when someone passes, but then the good times with that person settle in and the heart starts to heal. Having lost my dad 12 years ago, I remember being in the pain stage, but now I'm in a soft tenderness about it.

I call it tenderness because yes, it hurts sometimes, like pressing on a bruise. But there's also some happiness with it, too - soft smiles and the like, when I see ways that I feel like he's communicating with me and connecting with me through the veil.

I think it's possible that the way he left, vs how other people may pass, may be causing the anxiety? <3 <3 <3

I would not want you to be left alone, dear one, to take on everyone's strife. That's so very you of you, and wonderful, and loving, and caring. But you aren't here to shoulder everyone's burdens. And there's contracts, you know - like your parents know they will probably pass before you, but they bring you into the world anyway. To love you and care about you and poop on you and yell at you and love you.

And now I'm rambling. But... if you want, we can talk about this. Maybe over wine and nails :) <3

[sitonmyinterface]

I freak out about having to die one day,fear of the unknown, though my intuition tells me otherwise. This young rapper kid thing, my reaction to it is surprising. Brian was just looking thru vids and an interview with him came up and I winced inside.